A Jihad On Penny Arcade

Minion Mike B. (who's bucking for promotion to henchman) turned me on to this Penny Arcade cartoon. Looks like they're interested in MY lair.

It has also brought up issues that must be dealt with, such as deep crows and stalagmen. But that's the great thing about minions. Upon my command, loyal minions will take up arms against such threats to my dominance of my own lair. And those minions who won't rush in to do battle with deep crows and stalagmen for me... well, I guess it's best we found out about your committment issues now.

On a more positive note... My play for this lair has recently been endorsed by the International Conspiracy Of Evil Clowns. They're not putting up any cash, but when you have the moral support of evil clowns, can the support of the International Confederation of Ethically Challenged Mimes be far behind?

P.S.: Thanks to Minion Amy who donated $10. That brings our grand total of donations to... $10.

How Evil Am I?

How evil am I?

I'm not evil enough to do things like kick puppies or take candy from babies. But when it comes to blasphemy and heresy... I've been told by many people of many religions that I am destined for quite the painful afterlife.

Case in point... this bit of humorous heresy. If your faith is a sensitive subject, do not click that link.

I had a piece of clip art that I own (hired someone to draw it for my free clip art and drawing tool site) where Jesus has his hand over his heart. I thought someone might do a "You Are Here" kind of sweet religious thing (if you don't get it... you're in Jesus's heart). I'm not a Christian, but I am a marketer and I thought this particular drawing would appeal to people, so I had it made.

Still, when I looked at it, sometimes that hand over his heart looked like it might swing out and backhand someone, and in my mind, I started calling it the "Bitchslap Jesus". So while working on some t-shirt designs today, I got tired of the cuteness of the ninja kittens and the alien family vacation photo and decided to do something with "Bitchslap Jesus" and this was the result.

I understand some of you will find this offensive, but remember... I've been told I'm going to hell by better condemners than you. I think it's funny and I'd love to send one to Kathy Griffin.

You'll All Be Sorry

So it's been a week give or take. The grand total in donations... drumroll please...

**Bupkis**

Yup. Not a single dollar.

Am I angry? Well, if I'm not going to get enough to buy my lair, it's probably best I don't get anything at all. I mean, it's better to get bupkis than have 20 people asking me what I'm going to do with the dollar they sent me, now that I came up $4,999,980 short. That would just be humiliating.

At least with no donations I can hold my head high and protest about how the world doesn't understand me, they don't appreciate my genius, and if they won't pay with their money now, they'll pay with their lives later!!! Muahahaha... or something like that. You get the righteously indignant drift... and it's implied that the paying with their lives will begin once I've bought the lair myself and built a giant death ray.

So it's better that no one's donated. That way I get to be really indignant and harbor a desire to make the whole world pay. Plus, do you know how much of a pain in the ass it would be to destroy the entire state of Utah, except for the house of some guy named Tim who donated five bucks? For $5 I'd have to spend hours programming in a pattern of destruction that skipped Tim's house, but left the entire rest of the state massacred? I mean, come on.

With no donations, it's just that much less work... and Utah Tim is toast.

Who Wants To Be An Evil Minion?

Recently someone asked if a donation qualifies them to be a minion.

YES

Anyone who donates is an automatic honorary minion. To reach henchman level, once the lair is purchased, you'll actually have to come out to the lair and help work on the remodel.

So, becoming an official henchman (or henchwoman), will require a trip out to the lair and putting in at least one weekend of physical labor.

But you can become an honorary evil minion for a donation of as little as $1. If you donate more than $10, I'll e-mail you a certificate.

A Hitch In The Plan

One thing I forgot about in my excitement... the wife.

I was lucky enough to marry a former UCLA cheerleader who is a closet sci-fi geek and book nerd. Yes, she watches "Doctor Who" and "Heroes" with me voluntarily. She'd watch them if I wasn't around. We tend to finish each other's sentences because we think a lot of the same thoughts. So, even though she's a hip, fashionable, hottie, she's got my back on a lot of my nerdier tendencies.

Still... she's not so wild about going and living in an abandoned missile base in Eastern Washington. If I can raise the money to buy and refurbish it, things are looking like it might be my weekend lair.

What kind of evil genius lives in the suburbs during the week and then goes out to his lair on weekends? Am I supposed to set up a remote death ray control I can access with my Treo?

I'd say there are just some "guy" things that women won't understand and the evil genius lair is one of them, but she's said she'd be cool with a lair on a tropical island. It's not so much the lair she objects to as it is Eastern Washington State.

Even when it comes to evil lairs, "location, location, location" still applies.

How Much Do You Need?

While I've noted that the missile base is going for $1.5 million, that's just the purchase price. According to the eBay listing, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.

I'll need funds to convert some of the empty areas to living space, others to working space. I'll need to buy a couple of golf carts to zip through the tunnels. And even if I can recruit enough volunteer minions to come out and help with the remodel, there is the cost of raw materials.

After Uncle Sam takes his bite (this isn't a non-profit, so I'll have to pay income tax on the donations) and PayPal takes their bite (between 5%-25% depending on the size of your donation, bigger donations see a smaller bite percentagewise), I'm figuring that I need to raise around $5 million.

This is doable, people! We can make this dream come true! We can create a real evil genius lair! Donate today!

Buy Me A Secret Lair, Please!

It's been a strange day.

First I had a dream that I was providing tech support to evil geniuses.

Then I wrote "Have You Tried Rebooting The Death Ray?"

I was discussing henchmen and other evil genius stuff with a friend and remembered I'd once had a thought about a site for a fictional real estate firm that specialized in selling hidden lairs... or did I see someone else do it? So I googled for "hidden lairs for sale" and found this site... A Titan missile base, abandoned and sold off in the 1970s, now up for sale on eBay. 57 acres, three empty silos, 16 underground buildings, plus a warren of tunnels.

I must have it!!! There is no better residence for an evil genius.

Unfortunately, my evil genius hasn't extended to having a spare $1.5 million laying around for purchase and additional funds for refurbishing it. That's where you come in... I need minions who will donate the money to buy and refurbish my secret lair.

If I can raise enough to buy and refurbish an abandoned missle base, I'll not only keep y'all up to date on the process of acquiring and refurbishing my evil lair, some of ya might even be invited out to be henchmen for a weekend (henchmen rank above minions).